You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
