I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
When are your genitals available?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
