We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
