The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
