Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I believe in your delicious
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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