can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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