don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
