my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
