I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
