Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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