i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
