I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
