Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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