Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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