Jerry, you need to find god
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
