I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i wish my penis had a tongue
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
