I think I died a long time ago.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
