My underwear smells like fireworks.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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