capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
