Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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