so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize