Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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