Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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