Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
