I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize