I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Of course I have a pirate flag
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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