OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
