Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
