I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
