so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
