Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
