I'm gonna have a badass scar
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
