I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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