I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
