I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
NoShamevember. You game?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
