and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
