a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Randomize
