battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Come on in and take your pants off
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