uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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