Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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