Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
