He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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