I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize