What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
