somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
