Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
