I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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