I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
