I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
