she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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