Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
