I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
