Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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