Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
