you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
