We named our party play list daddy issues
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
