im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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