I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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